The meefadillo (portmanteau of meef and armadillo) is a terrestrial mammal, of which the most common species is Meefadillus Cafeterius, or the common speckled meefadillo. They exist in the wild solely on the North American continent, but have been domesticated as livestock. The most important uses for the modern meefadillo are in school cafeteria food, engine lubricant, and glue.

Other variants of the meefadillo include Meefadillus Beacomi, Meefadillus Hobius, Meefadillus Binzis and Meefadillus Bovinus, the last of which was a more or less successful cross-breeding between a female meefadillo sow and a cattle bull. In addition, several species have proven to be closely similar to Meefadillus Cafeterius, namely Meefadillus Tofens and Meefadillus Omniutilus. After researchers mapped the genome of each species in late 2005, they have been reclassified under the species Meefadillus Cafeterius.

Appearance and demeanor

Meefadillo are characterized by their turtle-like shell, rubbery flesh, and grotesque lack of a discernable head. This last fact, it has been conjectured, has contributed to its utilization as a foodstuff. The meefadillo is a solitary creature, contrary to the popular belief that it is a pack animal. It has no set mating season; rather, meefadillo are asexual. While both sexes are present, only the males produce offspring by budding clones. It is thought that females contribute to genetic diversity, although the process is not completely understood.

Historical background and etymology

The North American Society of the Timunpa asserts that the meefadillo was discovered as early as the 13th century by the native Incas, who named the creature timunpa. According to NAST, the Incas herded the animal and eventually drove it out of South and Central America into what is now northern Mexico and the United States. The arriving Spaniards dubbed it the meefadillo due to their faulty assessment of its clumsy appearance, systematically eliminating the Inca name timunpa. It was first domesticated in the 1700s, but found little success in the food industry.

C. P. Yarmouth's 1937 field drawing of the meefadillo

In reality, the meefadillo was discovered by neither the Incas nor the Spanish. In 1937, Charles Percy Yarmouth explored the Pacific waters near the Oregon coast in his bathysphere and dove directly into a swarm of what he described as "stupid, aquatic, tentacled mammalian creature-things." His field drawing, done within the bathysphere, is reproduced at right from his manuscript on the dive. The following year, the animal was captured and its astounding utilization was revealed. Recently unclassified governmental documents show that genetic testing began in February of 1939. Lab experiments at a Montana testing facility transformed the unnamed animal into the modern meefadillo. A security flaw in the facility released thousands of the modified animals into the wild. The North American Society for the Timunpa was instituted within three days, and the Montana facility disappeared without a trace.

With the advent of the modern American collegiate system, the meefadillo has found a new role as the base of most meat-requisite entrees. One reason that the meefadillo was chosen for this role was its amazing natural adaptability and genetic diversity. The meefadillo exhibits the evolutionary process faster than any known animal, a quality that has lent to its longevity as a species as well as its variety of culinary uses. Scientific studies have shown that specific genes in three chromosomes are responsible for the quality of meefadillo cuts.

Culinary usage

Muscular tissue from the meefadillo used as food is known as meef, itself a portmanteau of meat and beef. It is incorrectly though commonly known as a shortened term for manufactured beef. Meef cut quality ranges from Grade A to Grade EE, but most domesticated meefadillo produce only Grade A meef. This is equivalent to Grade D beef. Meef is often compared to soy-based tofu as its preparation largely determines its flavor and texture.

The most common preparation style for meef is the food product meefloaf. Meefloaf is the meefadillo's natural form, obtained by simply splitting the meefadillo's shell along the dorsal raphe and extracting the meefadillo innards. A much less popular meefadillo form is the equivalent of veal, colloquially termed screef. This is due to the sound emitted by the young meefadillo when being harvested. Although the source of the sound is ultimately unknown (it cannot be from its mouth due to its lack of a head), recent evidence suggests that the sound is emitted as a gaseous expulsion through pores in the meefadillo's skin.

Controversy and the meefadillo in popular culture

Meefadillo are renowned for their notoriety in lunchroom food. They were also the primary subject for the 1997 documentary Meef: It's Not For Dinner, which examined the controversy surrounding meef's suitability for human consumption. In 2002, the meefadillo again found infamy when researchers at the Darwin Institute for Culinary Kinetogenetics attempted to crossbreed the meefadillo with the similarly-utilized dakka beast. The DICK researchers were unable to produce a fertile hybrid, unintentionally creating a vicious creature that subsequently overtook the town of Bumbledunk, Wyoming.

In recent years, further accusations against the major national meef producer, Meefadillo Enterprises Unlimited (internally called ME-U), have included the handling of the meefadillo themselves. An inspection of the production plant in Ohio showed that costs had been cut by eliminating the more humane dorsal cutting in favor of inciting the animal to run into walls. The pressure on the brittle shell causes it to crack open, and plant workers simply harvest the flesh. NAST has so far declined to comment on this inhumane practice.

Contributing authors: N. Beacom, B. Essington, R. Peterson, J. Tschiggfrie

See also:

    crookies
    grey-be
    PESS
    soytatoes
    unispice

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